I Need To Confess

I can already tell that this post is going to be a long one, so sit back and relax. Maybe with a cup of coffee to ease you through it, I don’t know.

So it’s been a few weeks since my last post and a lot has happened. I’ll sum it up as simply as I can but I’m writing this post in a rush and then I’m posting it so I’m sorry if it’s so jumbled. I just need this out there.

So, exams. Instead of revising like I should have done I took to the bottle in an attempt to block out the reality of my situation. At first I was so scared of failing I buried my head in the sand. I became scarily good at hiding my drink. I could have a chat with my parents in the kitchen swigging vodka pretending it was water. I was going clubbing most evenings even though I shouldn’t have been, not on my medication, sometimes every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. And I’m talking heavy drinking. Which in turn made me feel very ill. It became a vicious cycle.

I became an expert liar. I pretended I was on top of things. But I came clean to my parents that I had messed up because I soon realized that I needed help. My savings had been blown on alcohol and I was skint. Luckily, my parents have bailed me out.

I know I’ve messed up and I’m not proud of it. When I came home, I wanted everything to be different. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate extra time. That was a blessing and I know other students would have killed for that. Just thinking that makes me feel worse. But I shrugged it off, put revision to the back of my mind, because every time I attempted to sit down with my work I shut down. It’s like my brain wouldn’t work.

I’m still taking Citalopram. I’ve been taking the tablets for about four months now. They’ve made me neutral. It’s like I can’t really feel mega happy or mega sad. But they drain me. I’m constantly tired, so I’ve been advised to switch my medication now. I know I should have gone back to my GP but a part of me didn’t want to admit that I needed to try another treatment. Having chronic fatigue sucks and I know I could have prevented it sooner by fessing up. I’ve been so tired even by doing the most simple of things. And I’m tired of that.

I’ve felt fine. But additionally that’s been my downfall and I should have sought help sooner. I felt so fine that I didn’t feel anxious about my exams at all. I went to Thorpe Park (this is relevant I promise). Normally, I’m scared of rides but I didn’t feel anxious at all. So I made sure I went on every single damn one just to feel something. And it kind of worked, the adrenaline was a momentary boost. I enjoyed being able to feel anything other than fine.

Eventually, I did revise. After a long chat with my parents, I realized that okay, I had left it late. But it wasn’t too late and any revision would be better than none. I have such supportive friends and family. My parents are aware that I’ve been relying on drink again. They’ve helped me financially and I’m so thankful for that because now my exams are over I can concentrate again on working to raise money.

Additionally, I’ve stayed away from alcohol bar the odd drink. I don’t trust myself right now and to be honest I don’t really want to hit the town hard. I want to fix this mess before I go down a dangerous path. I don’t want to hurt anybody. Or myself.

Going back to University reminded me of what I’ve worked hard for. I love University. I want to graduate alongside my friends next year. I don’t want to ruin this opportunity for myself.

So yeah, to conclude it’s been a rough few weeks. My exams did go well, I think. But only time will tell and results day is just around the corner. I’m putting myself first now for my sake and for those that care about me. It’s time to sort myself out now. Properly, once and for all.

Love, Medikitty

How To Life… No Really Tell Me! Part 2

Back to square one…Bring it on!

Well fuck a duck it’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to write something for a while however I didn’t really have anything to write about. I could have continued from my last post about self improvement yadda yadda but I don’t want to use this as an ongoing and rather boring diary! So there is a few things to talk about today, three to be precise. To give as much clarity as I can I’m going to split them into individual sections and again hopefully reach a point by the end!

Person

I’ve been holding onto feelings for someone that I’m almost certain doesn’t feel the same way. I say almost certain because a degree of fools hope will always be there. Is that such a bad thing? When you look at someone and think they are truly amazing. A beautiful person inside and out with so much potential to do whatever it is they set their mind to. A person who others gravitate towards whose smile can instantly brighten my day. Certainly one of my favourite humans on this little rock we live on. So what is to be done? Explain them? Whilst my anxiety plays out each and every worst case scenario in which I get an emotional beat down. Sound fun, or let them go? Tearing myself apart with what if questions and the you should have tried harder beat down.  Risking a friendship for a relationship or giving up hopes of a relationship to maintain a friendship. I’ve lost count of the amount of times this question has plagued me. Generally this is what has taken up the vast majority of my mind for the last 3-4 weeks. I still can’t decide if I need to distance myself until all thoughts and feelings are that of friendship, or take one risk and see what happens. Anxiety, indecision and self esteem it all really fucking sucks! Or maybe this is just being human. Not acting on this though, that makes me feel weak. It’s a familiar feeling from when I was getting therapy with the CBT. Something I didn’t think I would deal with again or at least something I thought i could handle.  33% of the way back to where I was!

Work and health

I started a new job, working for a company that deals with security systems. Not the most interesting of things but a fuck ton to learn. Generally sitting down in front of the computer all day and as far as I’m aware everything was going well. Working for a nice manager, the team is nice and I felt comfortable. However my diabetes has not adjusted well to the amount of crap eating this job provides and I have been lax with adjusting ratios for insulin. In short I’ve been feeling crappy most of the time but hey I’ll work through it. Now I’ve been moved onto a task that is kicking my ass, the dreaded red diary. This thing feels impossible! I don’t have the knowledge for this task nor the organisation. Everything about it has kicked the anxiety up to 11. I haven’t felt like this since my last job, being on an apprenticeship with rabbit feed for pay it was quite understandable. So I’m left thinking am I the problem. Could someone else without the anxiety handle this task with the same amount of knowledge as I have? Is this how I am in pressure scenarios, Well great that’s useful… The work section of this is not the most exciting of reads granted but again these are feelings I thought I was done with. Yet with the stress and pressure I’m caving again. What’s worse/better this time is that  I can recognise it, I understand it. 66% of the way back to where I was.

Friday 17^th of July 2015

So this is the most recent development. After coming home stressed, tearful and feeling quite defeated. Another day of work problems and thinking of the aforementioned person I sat down on the bench in the garden and let the weight of the world off my shoulders by talking with my mother dearest, fearful that I was losing control again. That is when she told me that she had found a lump in her breast and was scheduled for an operation. Knowing the answer already I still asked “Is it cancer” to which the obvious reply was yes.  Well that’s a fucking game changer! I can’t quite describe the feelings associated with this in full detail, mostly because I’m still coming to terms with it. I spent most of the weekend high, trying to block it out, trying to understand the reality of the situation. I’ve cried, I’ve been low, I’ve been angry and now I’m at a point where I don’t give a shit about anything else I’ve felt or thought about up to this point. All the worries, stress, anxiety over work and everything else have suddenly become insignificant. At this point I’m not an anxious person because I truly do not give a fuck about consequences. In a way it is quite freeing. I can’t stay like this though; I doubt I’ll stay like this. I don’t really know how I will feel tomorrow or in a week’s time. Yet regardless of how I’m feeling  there are a handful of things I must see too. Firstly I will be returning to my councillor. I cannot have my mum worrying about me when she has this to deal with, I will get my shit together even if that means medication this time. Last time I wanted to keep my pride by handling this myself without meds. That obviously hasn’t worked so bring on the pills! Secondly I need to look after her as best as I can. That’s all there really is to it. I can go mad in my own time!

0% back to where I was 100% new shit to deal with.

So once again I don’t think I made a point. Unsurprising since my mind is mostly jelly at the mo! But hey it’s an evening spent getting shit off my chest so I don’t think it’s wasted time. I’m also not high yet…however on that note where is my grinder?!

As I said before I want a song to go along with what I have written so tonight you can enjoy the musical stylings of Papa Roach – Kick in the Teeth!

Rathorian

How to Life… No really, tell me!

Hello! My name is Rathorian, or at least on here it is! I have been friends with Medikitty for quite some time now and after a recent visit I have become acquainted with the Shadylady. This of course means I am not a clever clogs Uni student so I shall be making guest posts every now and then (I will not be tainting the quality content too regularly!)

So let the ramble with a hopeful point begin! About 6 months ago I finished a 12 week CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) course. I was depressed and found out that I suffered from anxiety, something that at the time I hadn’t considered. To me, things were shit and I thought I just needed to pull myself together. It was comforting and relieving to know that actually there was something wrong, it had a name and was recognised. I threw myself into it in the hope things would improve and to a degree, SUCCESS! It gave me tools to control my anxiety however, there are some issues unresolved and they are what I will attempt to explain…ha…um…

More often than not my mind will drift to world problems, troubles in the Middle East, the economy, war etc blah blah. I could spend hours with these thoughts circulating my mind. Additionally, I’ll think of friends, what they are going through, their wellbeing, hoping the stars will align in such a way that by magic I will hear from them! I thought it was fine, “I’m thinking of worthwhile things!” but it was excessive and ultimately an excuse from reminding me of how empty my own life felt. I would think of anything to break away from my own reality.

I’m pleased to say that this cycle has been (mostly) broken! I still cast a thought to my friends of course, yet my life still feels empty at least from my perspective. I have a job, hobbies, interests, a loving family and wonderful friends. Still I feel so unsettled, am I expecting too much? Am I naive? I’ve not decided, all I really know is something needs to change…but where to start?!

This post has mostly written itself as I do not want to dwell on the past yet I have no actual scenarios to write about. My ramblings have spawned an idea. I will do whatever it takes to gain a sense of purpose and write about that! That’s a good idea…maybe?

Regardless of what I may say my hopes are to contribute to this blog in support of Medikitty and Shadylady. It is not easy to write about such personal experiences so more power to them!!

I will be including a song which I feel is relevant to each post I make just as a thing. As my thoughts were on the future, check out: The Future Soon by Jonathan Coulton.

I may have forgotten to reach a point…Shit.

Rathorian

Blue Nun is my Saviour

I enjoy an alcoholic beverage as much as the next student. However, last term I started to rely on alcohol when I felt particularly anxious or distressed.

If I felt low, I would have a shot of vodka to get me onto campus. I’m not proud of it. But at the time, it was a quick fix because it made me feel slightly better. If I felt particularly bad, I would turn to miniature bottles of vodka. I would like to stress that I’m not an alcoholic. I wouldn’t say I’m addicted to alcohol. This didn’t happen every day, just when I happened to hit a low point.

When things got tough over the Easter holiday, I drank in excess to block out negative thoughts. One night, I put myself at risk which was the wake up call I needed to seek help.

Since then I’ve begun a course of antidepressants. I’ve been advised to cut down on my drinking and I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss it to an extent. Therefore, Blue Nun is my saviour. It’s a wine which is relatively low in alcohol which means that I can enjoy a glass with my friends before a night out.

Love, Medikitty

Plastic Wallet of Sadness

Last year, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s certainly an interesting cocktail, granted. Below is just a brief example of how my anxiety affects me whilst I am away at University.

So, I was heading to submit an assignment when I realised that the other people around me where submitting their work in plastic wallets. I didn’t happen to have a wallet on me, so, in the spirit of peer pressure, I borrowed one from my friend and hurriedly went to hand my assignment in.

But, upon leaving the room, I started to feel anxious. I had never submitted an assignment in with a plastic wallet before. Would this affect my grade? No, of course not its a bloody plastic wallet… But what if that made all the difference?

Outside, I ended up having a panic attack for about half an hour. I rang my boyfriend, then my mum and eventually, I went and grabbed a drink to try and calm down. Nothing worked, so I found myself running back to get the plastic wallet.

I told the office some bullshit story. I didn’t have another wallet, I needed the one I had submitted back so that I could submit it with another piece of coursework. All the while, I was waving my arms in the air animatedly and the woman at the office looked visibly concerned.

So she gave my wallet back and I breathed a sigh of relief.

As I left, I turned to say thank you. And then I saw her shrug and put my work in ANOTHER plastic wallet. FABULOUS.

Looking back at it now, its a pretty funny story. But at the time it felt like a matter of life and death.

Love, Medikitty