Back to square one…Bring it on!
Well fuck a duck it’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to write something for a while however I didn’t really have anything to write about. I could have continued from my last post about self improvement yadda yadda but I don’t want to use this as an ongoing and rather boring diary! So there is a few things to talk about today, three to be precise. To give as much clarity as I can I’m going to split them into individual sections and again hopefully reach a point by the end!
Person
I’ve been holding onto feelings for someone that I’m almost certain doesn’t feel the same way. I say almost certain because a degree of fools hope will always be there. Is that such a bad thing? When you look at someone and think they are truly amazing. A beautiful person inside and out with so much potential to do whatever it is they set their mind to. A person who others gravitate towards whose smile can instantly brighten my day. Certainly one of my favourite humans on this little rock we live on. So what is to be done? Explain them? Whilst my anxiety plays out each and every worst case scenario in which I get an emotional beat down. Sound fun, or let them go? Tearing myself apart with what if questions and the you should have tried harder beat down. Risking a friendship for a relationship or giving up hopes of a relationship to maintain a friendship. I’ve lost count of the amount of times this question has plagued me. Generally this is what has taken up the vast majority of my mind for the last 3-4 weeks. I still can’t decide if I need to distance myself until all thoughts and feelings are that of friendship, or take one risk and see what happens. Anxiety, indecision and self esteem it all really fucking sucks! Or maybe this is just being human. Not acting on this though, that makes me feel weak. It’s a familiar feeling from when I was getting therapy with the CBT. Something I didn’t think I would deal with again or at least something I thought i could handle. 33% of the way back to where I was!
Work and health
I started a new job, working for a company that deals with security systems. Not the most interesting of things but a fuck ton to learn. Generally sitting down in front of the computer all day and as far as I’m aware everything was going well. Working for a nice manager, the team is nice and I felt comfortable. However my diabetes has not adjusted well to the amount of crap eating this job provides and I have been lax with adjusting ratios for insulin. In short I’ve been feeling crappy most of the time but hey I’ll work through it. Now I’ve been moved onto a task that is kicking my ass, the dreaded red diary. This thing feels impossible! I don’t have the knowledge for this task nor the organisation. Everything about it has kicked the anxiety up to 11. I haven’t felt like this since my last job, being on an apprenticeship with rabbit feed for pay it was quite understandable. So I’m left thinking am I the problem. Could someone else without the anxiety handle this task with the same amount of knowledge as I have? Is this how I am in pressure scenarios, Well great that’s useful… The work section of this is not the most exciting of reads granted but again these are feelings I thought I was done with. Yet with the stress and pressure I’m caving again. What’s worse/better this time is that I can recognise it, I understand it. 66% of the way back to where I was.
Friday 17th of July 2015
So this is the most recent development. After coming home stressed, tearful and feeling quite defeated. Another day of work problems and thinking of the aforementioned person I sat down on the bench in the garden and let the weight of the world off my shoulders by talking with my mother dearest, fearful that I was losing control again. That is when she told me that she had found a lump in her breast and was scheduled for an operation. Knowing the answer already I still asked “Is it cancer” to which the obvious reply was yes. Well that’s a fucking game changer! I can’t quite describe the feelings associated with this in full detail, mostly because I’m still coming to terms with it. I spent most of the weekend high, trying to block it out, trying to understand the reality of the situation. I’ve cried, I’ve been low, I’ve been angry and now I’m at a point where I don’t give a shit about anything else I’ve felt or thought about up to this point. All the worries, stress, anxiety over work and everything else have suddenly become insignificant. At this point I’m not an anxious person because I truly do not give a fuck about consequences. In a way it is quite freeing. I can’t stay like this though; I doubt I’ll stay like this. I don’t really know how I will feel tomorrow or in a week’s time. Yet regardless of how I’m feeling there are a handful of things I must see too. Firstly I will be returning to my councillor. I cannot have my mum worrying about me when she has this to deal with, I will get my shit together even if that means medication this time. Last time I wanted to keep my pride by handling this myself without meds. That obviously hasn’t worked so bring on the pills! Secondly I need to look after her as best as I can. That’s all there really is to it. I can go mad in my own time!
0% back to where I was 100% new shit to deal with.
So once again I don’t think I made a point. Unsurprising since my mind is mostly jelly at the mo! But hey it’s an evening spent getting shit off my chest so I don’t think it’s wasted time. I’m also not high yet…however on that note where is my grinder?!
As I said before I want a song to go along with what I have written so tonight you can enjoy the musical stylings of Papa Roach – Kick in the Teeth!
Rathorian
university adventures 