I Need To Confess

I can already tell that this post is going to be a long one, so sit back and relax. Maybe with a cup of coffee to ease you through it, I don’t know.

So it’s been a few weeks since my last post and a lot has happened. I’ll sum it up as simply as I can but I’m writing this post in a rush and then I’m posting it so I’m sorry if it’s so jumbled. I just need this out there.

So, exams. Instead of revising like I should have done I took to the bottle in an attempt to block out the reality of my situation. At first I was so scared of failing I buried my head in the sand. I became scarily good at hiding my drink. I could have a chat with my parents in the kitchen swigging vodka pretending it was water. I was going clubbing most evenings even though I shouldn’t have been, not on my medication, sometimes every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. And I’m talking heavy drinking. Which in turn made me feel very ill. It became a vicious cycle.

I became an expert liar. I pretended I was on top of things. But I came clean to my parents that I had messed up because I soon realized that I needed help. My savings had been blown on alcohol and I was skint. Luckily, my parents have bailed me out.

I know I’ve messed up and I’m not proud of it. When I came home, I wanted everything to be different. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate extra time. That was a blessing and I know other students would have killed for that. Just thinking that makes me feel worse. But I shrugged it off, put revision to the back of my mind, because every time I attempted to sit down with my work I shut down. It’s like my brain wouldn’t work.

I’m still taking Citalopram. I’ve been taking the tablets for about four months now. They’ve made me neutral. It’s like I can’t really feel mega happy or mega sad. But they drain me. I’m constantly tired, so I’ve been advised to switch my medication now. I know I should have gone back to my GP but a part of me didn’t want to admit that I needed to try another treatment. Having chronic fatigue sucks and I know I could have prevented it sooner by fessing up. I’ve been so tired even by doing the most simple of things. And I’m tired of that.

I’ve felt fine. But additionally that’s been my downfall and I should have sought help sooner. I felt so fine that I didn’t feel anxious about my exams at all. I went to Thorpe Park (this is relevant I promise). Normally, I’m scared of rides but I didn’t feel anxious at all. So I made sure I went on every single damn one just to feel something. And it kind of worked, the adrenaline was a momentary boost. I enjoyed being able to feel anything other than fine.

Eventually, I did revise. After a long chat with my parents, I realized that okay, I had left it late. But it wasn’t too late and any revision would be better than none. I have such supportive friends and family. My parents are aware that I’ve been relying on drink again. They’ve helped me financially and I’m so thankful for that because now my exams are over I can concentrate again on working to raise money.

Additionally, I’ve stayed away from alcohol bar the odd drink. I don’t trust myself right now and to be honest I don’t really want to hit the town hard. I want to fix this mess before I go down a dangerous path. I don’t want to hurt anybody. Or myself.

Going back to University reminded me of what I’ve worked hard for. I love University. I want to graduate alongside my friends next year. I don’t want to ruin this opportunity for myself.

So yeah, to conclude it’s been a rough few weeks. My exams did go well, I think. But only time will tell and results day is just around the corner. I’m putting myself first now for my sake and for those that care about me. It’s time to sort myself out now. Properly, once and for all.

Love, Medikitty

That Special Place

So I know it’s been awhile.

I’ve recently come back home for Summer so I’ve been busy settling back into work and family life. Truth be told, I was pretty nervous about coming back. I almost didn’t. But I’m so glad I did. I’ve had a few awkward moments, seen some people I didn’t really want to see, but overall I’ve had a good time and I’ve enjoyed work and catching up with my friends and family.

So this post is more of a catch up post. I’m actually okay and I’m doing so much better than I was. I’ve stayed on Citalopram but my GP has upped the dosage and so far I’ve been getting along with my medication. I’ve really seen an improvement in my overall mood and attitude. Being surrounded by loved ones has really helped. Although I have my down days, I’m trying to remain positive and so far I’m succeeding.

I had a minor setback yesterday which is mainly why I’ve taken to the blog again. I wanted to write what happened down so I remember it. I had a rough day at work, I left in a rush and had negative thoughts. I wanted alcohol and I knew I had spare vodka at home. I tried to distract myself on my walk home by listening to loud music but even that didn’t work.

So I found myself veering off course once I reached a particular spot. I used to go to this place with someone that meant alot to me. And still does although we no longer see each other. I hesitated before entering this place but I went there regardless. And I’m glad I did. I had a good cry after switching my music off but being there calmed me. I felt better. I went home and I didn’t have a drink which I’m proud of.

I am better than that. I don’t need alcohol to block out how I feel because I’m getting stronger.

Love, Medikitty

Sunday

I know it’s not my turn to post today but I felt I needed to.

I’m finding today hard. And I’m not sure why I’m struggling like this.

I need to post how I’m feeling in this precise moment because I feel pretty out of my depth.

I’m home alone. I overslept for work today because I was up until late again. My boss was really understanding which made me feel awful. My sleeping pattern is so fucked lately. I don’t seem to have any energy.

I spent the morning watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix. It’s become my new obsession. Then I tried to revise but I ended up spending the afternoon watching episode upon episode. Casual Sunday. After a few hours I switched Netflix off and lay still for awhile. Thinking.

And then the anxiety crept in. And I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. I paced my room. And then suddenly I was angry. I was angry about what happened. It took me by surprise as its the first time I’ve felt any anger since.

And then I just snapped. I trashed my room. I threw stuff. I hit stuff. I cried.

But it actually felt good to be angry.

I don’t know why I feel so alien today. But something tells me I need to take up a new sport to de-stress. I’m thinking of boxing because I’ve heard it’s quite therapeutic. And today has shown me that I have quite a swift punch.

I should probably tidy my room now, I guess.

Love, Medikitty

Substance Abuse and Suicidal Thoughts

I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression for quite some time now however, over the last five weeks my mental health has worsened.

Five weeks ago a series of distressing events occurred and I found myself turning to alcohol to block out how low I was feeling. I started to contemplate suicide and how I could potentially go about it. These thoughts began to scare me. I had experienced similar thoughts before but they had never been so frequent. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like myself anymore.

One night things spiralled out of control. After drinking a bottle of vodka, I ended up having a heated argument with my boyfriend and so I fled to a nearby building. At the time, I genuinely wanted to jump off the top of it. Thankfully, he convinced me not to. We didn’t speak of that night in the morning, it was brushed under the carpet and forgotten about. He didn’t want to discuss my mental health towards the end of our relationship.

My situation at home became progressively worse for me. I felt hopeless so I relied heavily on alcohol for a brief high. After separating with my boyfriend, I went out and drank too much. Thankfully, my friend managed to get me home safe. I hadn’t been eating properly since the split so I became very ill that night. To make matters worse, I ended up telling my parents how I had been feeling whilst I was drunk which must have been very difficult for them to hear.

After that night I decided that I wasn’t going to drink for awhile. But my thoughts revolved around harming myself. I contemplated self harming or jumping off buildings. I would be at work, standing on the top of a step ladder, thinking should I jump off? My rationale was that even a minor injury would take the inner pain away for a little while.

Now I’m on medication, these thoughts are less frequent. But they still surface occasionally. That’s why I’ve sought medical help and I try to keep myself busy by spending time with my loved ones.

Love, Medikitty

Bubble Tea and other Obsessions

I’m a self-confessed bubble tea addict.

I should have realised this after I completed my third loyalty card within a month but I didn’t think much of it. For those of you that aren’t aware, bubble tea is a Taiwanese, tea-based drink containing fruit balls. It comes in a variety of flavours. And it’s delicious.

As mentioned in an earlier post of mine, I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The form I suffer with is called Checking. This means I perform compulsive rituals on a daily basis. Unfortunately, negative thoughts accompany my Checking. Therefore, I use my rituals to protect both myself and my loved ones.

I had an interesting chat with my counsellor the other day about my OCD. She told me that she had noticed my obsession with bubble tea (I hadn’t noticed I had been taking them along to my sessions) and asked if I had ever considered buying it to be another ritual of mine.

I hadn’t even thought about it until then. But it made sense. Maybe buying bubble tea has become another ritual of mine. Sometimes I buy it when I don’t even want it. I buy it because it’s become a habit. I think I’ve been relying on bubble tea to cheer me up and my obsession with it has led on from there.

I guess there are worse things to be obsessed with. However, I’m going to try and curb the habit to save myself some money. I am a student after all!

Love, Medikitty

Blue Nun is my Saviour

I enjoy an alcoholic beverage as much as the next student. However, last term I started to rely on alcohol when I felt particularly anxious or distressed.

If I felt low, I would have a shot of vodka to get me onto campus. I’m not proud of it. But at the time, it was a quick fix because it made me feel slightly better. If I felt particularly bad, I would turn to miniature bottles of vodka. I would like to stress that I’m not an alcoholic. I wouldn’t say I’m addicted to alcohol. This didn’t happen every day, just when I happened to hit a low point.

When things got tough over the Easter holiday, I drank in excess to block out negative thoughts. One night, I put myself at risk which was the wake up call I needed to seek help.

Since then I’ve begun a course of antidepressants. I’ve been advised to cut down on my drinking and I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss it to an extent. Therefore, Blue Nun is my saviour. It’s a wine which is relatively low in alcohol which means that I can enjoy a glass with my friends before a night out.

Love, Medikitty

Plastic Wallet of Sadness

Last year, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s certainly an interesting cocktail, granted. Below is just a brief example of how my anxiety affects me whilst I am away at University.

So, I was heading to submit an assignment when I realised that the other people around me where submitting their work in plastic wallets. I didn’t happen to have a wallet on me, so, in the spirit of peer pressure, I borrowed one from my friend and hurriedly went to hand my assignment in.

But, upon leaving the room, I started to feel anxious. I had never submitted an assignment in with a plastic wallet before. Would this affect my grade? No, of course not its a bloody plastic wallet… But what if that made all the difference?

Outside, I ended up having a panic attack for about half an hour. I rang my boyfriend, then my mum and eventually, I went and grabbed a drink to try and calm down. Nothing worked, so I found myself running back to get the plastic wallet.

I told the office some bullshit story. I didn’t have another wallet, I needed the one I had submitted back so that I could submit it with another piece of coursework. All the while, I was waving my arms in the air animatedly and the woman at the office looked visibly concerned.

So she gave my wallet back and I breathed a sigh of relief.

As I left, I turned to say thank you. And then I saw her shrug and put my work in ANOTHER plastic wallet. FABULOUS.

Looking back at it now, its a pretty funny story. But at the time it felt like a matter of life and death.

Love, Medikitty